Category: Marriage

Hi. Remember me? It’s been a very long time since I’ve written a blog post. My last post was published in February of 2022. That was shortly after I had been hired at a new job and started working full time again after suffering Celiac for many years. Then, just a few months later in May, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I haven’t been able to write since then.

The last 2 years have been a nightmare full of heartache, loneliness, and despair. I have struggled daily with a deep pervasive sadness and hopelessness that has almost killed me many times. My heart is broken, my family is broken, my life and future are broken, and I don’t know how to move forward anymore.

I just take one day at a time, but every day just repeats over and over, and I am alone. I miss my kids so much. I only see them Friday night through Sunday night now. During the week, I come home to an empty house, and I wake up to an empty house. I go to work and go home and repeat every day in an endless cycle of loneliness and heartache. Holidays aren’t the same, birthdays aren’t the same, nothing is the same. Everything is broken. I can’t even look at my children’s baby pictures or our family albums. The sorrow that consumes me is unbearable.

I bought a house in February of this year (after living in an apartment since June of 2022), and I started a new job in June of this year. The kids like the house and neighborhood, and it’s a good job closer to home, and it pays better, but a house is only a home when it’s filled with love and family, and a job feels meaningless without a wife to share the daily experiences with. I was married for 21 years, then it was just over.

I can’t even explain how I feel now. It’s like a mixture of disillusionment, hopelessness, and anxiety in a numbing depression that never goes away. I turned 46 this summer, and I feel lost. My youngest child, my son, started high school this year, and my daughter is a Junior. I can feel myself getting older, and it’s like I’m watching time slip away.

I still believe God can do all things, and nothing is impossible for Him. I know He can heal, redeem, and make all things new, but I have prayed every day for our family to be healed and restored, but the pain continues. I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I don’t think I ever can be. I still believe God is love, and I believe in His love, but I don’t think I will ever believe in falling in love with a woman ever again.

None of this makes any sense. I only hang on for my kids. Life is only worth living when I’m with them. Apart from them, I don’t understand why I even exist, or what the point of any of this is or was.

Why did I meet her, get married, and have kids only to have it all end like this? His Word says it is not good for man to be alone, yet I am alone. His Word says love never fails, yet my wife left me for another man after over two decades together. His Word says He has good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Is this part of that? After suffering Celiac Disease for over a decade, then have my wife leave me right after all that pain and anguish? To go from torturous physical suffering to torturous emotional and mental suffering without any chance for a breath? Honestly, it’s amazing I’m still alive.

I feel worthless and condemned. I know God does not condemn me. I know He still loves me, and He is with me, but I feel like I’ve been condemned to a life of loneliness and despair, and that is no life at all. I would have never divorced my wife. I would have never left her for another woman. I believe in love and forgiveness and sticking it out together until the very end. When I made my vows before God and our families to be with her forever, I meant it.

I have asked God to kill me many times, but He does not do it. I used to preach the Gospel all the time, and I was filled with joy, hope, and peace that poured out of me. Now, I can barely breathe, and I feel like I’m drowning every day. My mind and heart are filled with grief and sorrow, and it’s all I can do to just get through work every day to make it to the next Friday to see my kids.

I had it all, and it was all taken from me. My life was destroyed in an instant, and for some reason, the Lord will not answer my prayers to heal it. Jesus is Lord no matter what, and I will proclaim that truth to my last breath. I am still following Him, spreading the Gospel, and sharing my testimony, but I am a shell of myself and barely hanging on.

I have still seen many good days with my kids since the divorce, and the Lord has been faithful in so many ways. I am just so very tired, and my heart aches over all the time and experiences that have been taken from us. Our kids should have never had to suffer this. This did not need to happen to our family.

I was not a perfect husband, and I made many mistakes in my marriage, but I loved my wife and would have never left her. I have many regrets, but I also know how much I repented and worked so hard to hold my marriage together. I forgave my wife of her sins and mistakes, and even now, I forgive and long for healing and reconciliation. I still love her and would take her back and keep loving her for the rest of my life, but only God can change a person’s heart, and that is the most amazing miracle of all.

Believers in Christ are supposed to love each other deeply, bear with each other in love, and forgive as Christ forgave us. When we throw those truths away, it causes unbelievable damage and heartache. If you are considering divorce, even as a passing thought, rebuke it away immediately! Run from temptation and infidelity! Honor God, and love and forgive. Fight for each other. Don’t give up! Get help, talk to your Pastor, seek counseling, and do something to make things right, but please do not consider divorce or leaving your spouse for someone else for another second. What God joined together let no man separate. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 with all your heart. I am pleading with you from the painful depths of a broken heart, please do not let your love fail.

I will continue to pray for healing for my family, and I hope to continue serving the Lord in writing for Him, but this is where I am right now. I am struggling and fighting to survive, but I am clinging to Jesus, and I know He has me. Please pray for us.

In Christ Forever. Grace and peace to you all.