I am going to be super blunt and real right now. I need prayer. I have been having a very hard time the last few weeks. We recently went back into debt again after many years being debt free. I had to take a $6,500 loan recently just to pay bills and it makes me real mad! We already have $2,000 in debt on another card! That is part of what I was mad about when I wrote “The Human Heart.” We were in debt so bad for over 10 years and we finally got out of it and now we are right back where we started and I just can’t believe it! I have prayed for almost 7 years for healing from Celiac and for a way to provide for my family. I have asked for open doors. I have asked for healing and financial breakthrough. I have asked for blessing. I have preached all I can preach and I have shared all I know and have experienced from God! I am tired and we need prayer!
I have written a book, I have blogged for 3 months straight now, and I am on Twitter every day. All these things are from the Lord and I don’t get paid for it. I just sit here all day serving the Lord while my bills keep coming and my wife is working 3 jobs (Teacher at the school, private piano studio here at home, and she teaches kids in China English online at night and early in the morning). I have served the Lord for 22 years! If a bunch of people (like 50K) bought my book, then I would make some income for my family, but that is not why I wrote my book and God has not done that with my book. My eBook only costs .99 cents and I get about .30 cents of that if the book ever sold, but it doesn’t. Guess nobody wants to hear about demons being cast out, angels coming to the rescue, and Jesus saving my life in Holy Spirit power. Oh well! I did what God wanted me to do and I testified!
I gave away over 100 copies to every person in my family and extended family and that was a huge answered prayer and blessing, but it doesn’t provide for my family. I am the father and husband and I am supposed to provide!!! It has been almost 7 years and I have not made any money in that time! None! Have you ever been unemployed for 7 years because of a chronic illness you were diagnosed with at 33 that God just won’t seem to heal or bless?! Do you know how hard that is and how it will drive you crazy?
I have prayed so much, I don’t know what to pray anymore. I know all the verses folks and I can preach about them all. I know God has a plan, but it is hard when I have prayed every day since 1-6-12 and I am still suffering Celiac and I am still broke. I just don’t get it and it makes me angry. How is that a testimony to God’s provision? I’m broke and broken and my wife works 3 jobs! What does He want from me?!!!
I am out here all day preaching the Gospel for free doing what the Lord told me to do, yet here I sit with damaged intestines and totally broke! I’m on the toilet all morning every morning as I try to get my body right for the day. I eat the same thing every day like a dog. I take 11 different vitamins and supplements just so I can function. I weigh 138 pounds and my muscles and bones are weak. I’m like an old man and it is ridiculous!!! I’m only 40! If something happened to my wife, I have no way to provide for my kids! Is God with us or not?!
I don’t consider going into debt God’s provision, so it makes me mad. On top of that, I have a nagging question that has burned in my mind for many years and that is, “Why is it fair that any of us are here when none of us asked to be here?” I did not choose to be born, yet here I am and I have to deal with disease and bills and sin and everything else while I try to raise two kids with no job and a chronic auto-immune disorder illness that keeps me from working a normal job. I pray that the Lord will deliver us because it is wearing me down and I am utterly sick of it. My wife hates it when I ask that and we had a pretty good argument about it this weekend. It was tons of fun!
That is why I wrote the piece about Romans 12:12 last night and had it post this morning. God was speaking to me and showing me yet again to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer. Well, I have been!!! I have done all I can do and I have submitted my whole life and soul to God! I am nothing and I know that! Why does He keep dragging me through the dirt and keep his foot on my neck? I never asked to be here and deal with any of it and if I had been given a choice, I would have never been born.
I would take any amount of income at this point and I would feel like a rich man and at least have some sense of honor back that I was providing for my family. I would take $50 a month at this point! I would take $20 and be thankful! How much does God pay you? Does He pay your bills or are you in debt? Do you make good money? How does that feel? Feels like God loves you and He is providing for you, right? Guess what it feels like when your body and heart are broken and you can’t pay your bills? Go ahead, take a guess.
I told my wife when I published the book and started the blog that God will pay me what’s fair. Every now and then I get about a dollar from Amazon from somebody who has checked my book out for free through Kindle Unlimited (KU) or the Kindle Owner’s Lender’s Library (KOLL). Guess that’s what’s fair. I am out here working for the Lord and this is all I have in my life. Pretty pathetic huh? 40 year old guy with no job and no money. By the world’s standards I am a total loser. There are other people who have diseases and ailments and they work and make money for their families. You only get one shot at life folks and my 20s and 30s went by so fast it is shocking! I have yet to have the honor of being a father that provides for my family. No Boaz over here! Just a diseased unemployed nothing man!
I blog for free and share everything God has taught me. Freely I received, so freely I give. I take care of the house, cook dinner and do dishes every day, and mostly live like a house wife, or Mr. Mom. It is embarrassing and lonely and it makes me mad. I used to work so hard and I always had work before I got Celiac. It makes me sick thinking about all that has been lost in my life. Health, strength, youth, time, money, honor, respect, and the list goes on. Everybody loves the gifts of writers, musicians, and artists, but nobody wants to pay for it!
Why is it fair that we are here and we have the freaky dangerous choice of life or death put before us? I have been asked many questions and challenged many times by atheists and many others and I can’t answer that. Sure, we can give the easy Christian answer about “free will” and that is why it is fair, but I never got to choose to be born and neither did you, so that answer doesn’t always cut it. We are thrown down here into this sick depraved world of sin and death and then we have to figure it out and make the right choice or we go to hell. Why is that fair?!
Seems like the “Hunger Games” or “Divergent” to me, and all I can do is take what God says on faith. No, I didn’t ask to be here and I never asked to go through any of this. I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be diagnosed with a chronic disease that took my life and all the food I grew up on and everything good I used to eat and do, and I sure didn’t ask to be broke with no way to provide for my family at the age of 40!!!
I almost didn’t write this because I don’t want my questions to hurt a younger or weaker believer’s faith, but most of you are strong in Christ who are on my blog and I know you can pray for me. I have said many times that I will always be real and honest about my walk with Christ.
I hate my life with Celiac Disease. I wake up angry almost every day and the only way I get through the day is with Jesus. I don’t understand it all and I have many questions I can’t answer and God won’t seem to answer, but I take it on faith and keep pressing on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. What else can I do? It’s either that or just die. Believe me, that .357 Magnum has been singing to me from the safe for a very long time. One last peaceful walk in the woods sounds like a great idea when you are imprisoned in a sick body that you don’t want to be in anymore and living a life that you don’t want to live. My body is so messed up I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like at 50 or 60 or God forbid 70 if God makes me live that long. I have prayed many times that I will not. I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to be. I’m sick of it, I hate this earth, and I want to go to Heaven now. It is sickening living down here and my heart is sickened by it!
If you feel that way, please don’t hurt yourself! It is a lie from satan to kill, steal, and destroy you and your family! I don’t understand it all and I am angry about unanswered prayers and I have had enough, but I know Jesus Christ is alive and He loves you! Run to Him even when you don’t understand! Run to Him even when you’ve had enough and you can’t pray! Just run to Jesus and fall into His arms!
I thought doing all this blogging would help, but I still feel angry at God and I suppose that is not going to change until He finally moves in power and does something to help me get better and provide for my family. Guess I’m just supposed to keep writing and preaching for free while my family suffers, right? That’s God’s will, right? Because there are people that need Jesus and we don’t want them to go to hell, so we keep going even when God won’t answer our prayers…for 7 years! Why is that fair that any of us have the choice of Heaven or hell put before us when none of us can make the right choices in our lives the majority of the time? We are sinners! It’s amazing anybody makes the right choice! Why would God create someone if He knows they will not make the right choice and they will go to hell? Would it not be better for that person to have never been created at all?
I’m a smart guy folks with a nice computer and plenty of writing skills. Why can’t I make money for my family from home? I love God and I am filled with the Holy Spirit too? Am I doing something wrong? Have I not been tested enough? Does God need to drag me through more suffering, shame, and embarrassment? Does God need to keep teaching me a lesson by making me suffer? Does He enjoy humiliating me while He puts His feet up on the footstool? We are just dust and breath, right? Just a footstool for the Lord, right? We are nothing, right? No matter what, I’m supposed to say “your will be done” because just like Daniel said, even if He doesn’t answer my prayers, I still must serve Him (Daniel 3:18).
I know God can show up at anytime and give me a breakthrough, but at this point I am so tired and worn down from the disease and praying like a monk all day that by the time He shows up, I feel like I won’t even care anymore. It’s like, “oh good, you decided to finally show up, but the party is already over and I’m 40 years old and broken now, so thanks!”
I give my heart to God. Let Him do whatever it is He is going to do. He is God and I am not. May His will be done…even though I never asked to be here and it definitely does not seem fair. Even so, I trust in Him through my misunderstandings and questions, and anger, and I just keep going as I share the Gospel with the world and hope that somehow somebody somewhere will get saved. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would already be dead. I do not fear death. I wish the Lord would come back and just end it all, or just kill me. I have had enough. Believe me, just because you serve God doesn’t mean you won’t suffer. He doesn’t need me to accomplish His purpose. He will do whatever He wants to do because it’s all about Him and His glory and will. Remember that.
Thanks for your prayers. Grace and peace to you all.
P.S.
To all the false preachers out there who lie to people and tell people they can lose their salvation, I rebuke you in the Name of Jesus Christ! Don’t think for a minute that I am going to stop preaching the truth that we are saved by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ alone! I will keep preaching and I will still be here to defend God’s Word and rebuke you! Stop lying to people you lying false preacher! We are saved through Jesus Christ, not by works! Ephesians 2:8-9, Ephesians 1:13-14, Romans 10:9, Acts 4:12, John 3:16! Quit acting like a sick self-righteous Pharisee as if you can work your way to God! You are ridiculous and I pray God convicts you of your sin and your lies! You either believe in Jesus to save you or you don’t! All of your works are filthy rags to the Lord and you are only saved as one escaping through the flames because of the Blood Jesus shed for you! If you don’t understand that, then you are not following Jesus and you are not preaching the truth! Get that through your warped mind and twisted heart! If you could earn your salvation, then what did Jesus die for then? Thinking you can earn your salvation is the height of arrogance towards God! If you preach that a person can lose their salvation, then you are a liar and you are not one of God’s preachers! There is only one Gospel of Jesus Christ and that Gospel is that we are saved by grace alone through faith alone in Jesus Christ alone! Go read Galatians 2:21!
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