Wrestling God

I want to confess more things to everyone.  I am not ever going to be a phony!  You have found a preacher who knows how sinful he is and how much he needs Jesus.  Like TobyMac said back when he was with D.C. Talk, “Everyday I realize I’m still a man in need of a Savior.”  Man-O-man is that so true!

If you have been following my blog, then you know that I have Celiac Disease.  I have already covered much of that.  What I want to tell you is how angry I was during many of the years of my suffering since 2012.  I also want to explain how I arrived where I am today much healthier and stronger with a published book on Amazon, and a blog where I write about God with joy again.

It was three years into the disease, and I was still hurting real bad.  I thought after the first year, “surely this will end soon.”  I was wrong.  My bones, muscles, and spine burned and ached from being so thin.  I would vomit at random times (3 a.m. was always fun), I would have massive blood sugar drops, and don’t even get me started about how many times I had to go #2.  That went on a lot in years 3 and 4 of the suffering.  I was eating gluten free and I also had cut out dairy, soy, and eggs, but my body was detoxing itself and I was still excreting dead intestinal tissue at times.

I was praying and crying out to God for healing, but it just wasn’t happening.  Many nights I would be laying on the floor shivering and shaking in a cold sweat after vomiting and having diarrhea at the same time (yes, I would be on the pot with a trash can in front of me at 2 or 3 a.m., and I did that many times for many years).  I thought I was going to live like that for the rest of my life!

I became disillusioned with God, myself, and life itself.  I became so angry that I wanted to wrestle God!  That’s right.  I wanted to go man to God and I didn’t care if He killed me!  I wanted to beat my chest and yell up at the sky, and that is exactly what I  did at times.  What I didn’t know and still can’t seem to wrap my mind around is how lovingly He dealt with me during that time.

At times, after watching all the mass shootings and all the crazy turmoil around the world, my suffering would spill over and I would say things like, “YOU DON’T CARE GOD!  Sitting up there on your throne looking down on us, just sitting there watching us suffer!  You don’t care!”

Another one which was filled with mockery as I pumped my fist and pointed towards the sky was, “You sure must like your throne because you just sit there doing nothing!”  I know, it is awful, but I am being open with you about my fight with God.

At times the pain and anguish were so bad that I would call out for God to kill me.  “Just kill me Lord please,” was a common prayer in years 3 and 4.  I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to go home and be with Jesus.  I would tell Him, “Am I your child or not?!  I have served you for over 20 years, where are you now?!”

I thought God was done with me, and He was setting me aside.  What He was really doing was comforting me, building me up, and healing me in His perfect timing.  God is so very faithful to us!

One set of questions in particular really drove me nuts, and I had many conversations with God about it.  I would ask Him with anger, “Why did you create any of us at all?  What is the point of it all?  Were you lonely?  Why did you make it the way you made it?”

This whole struggle played out from about 2014 to 2017.  When I was diagnosed on 1-6-2012 I weighed 128 pounds.  I am 6 foot 1 inch tall, so I looked like skinny walking death.  It was horrific.  We thought for sure I had cancer.  I had gone to doctors for gut pain for 10 years leading up to my diagnosis.  None of them ever mentioned Celiac Disease or asked about gluten.

It wasn’t until I met a wonderful Nutritionist Doctor from Denver that I was correctly diagnosed.  I love you Dr. Darby, thank you!  She told me I was starving to death because of a damaged small intestine.  She advised me to immediately go gluten free, and my new life as a Celiac began.

I was 33 years old with two young kids and a wife to support and I got taken out hard!  I couldn’t work.  We had to close one of our businesses.  It completely changed our lives!

What made me more angry than anything was when we found out our kids also have Celiac Disease.  Around the same time I was diagnosed my daughter started showing signs of it.  She was only 4 or 5 at the time.  She was having awful stools, gut pain, and her hair started falling out.  We immediately went gluten free, and she was immediately better.  Our son is two years younger than his sister, so we caught it early enough in him that he didn’t suffer at all.  I thank God we caught the disease before it damaged their small intestines.

Celiac is a genetic auto immune disorder, so I passed it to my kids.  I was very angry about that.  I would tell God, “Use somebody else Lord, please, leave me alone.”  I would yell up at him about all the crazy supernatural things I have lived through, and ask Him why I had to go through all that.

I thought for sure God would smite me.  Even though I know He is loving and good and forgiving, I still thought in the back of my mind that He would surely strike me down after all I had said to Him.  Surely I had pushed Him too far.

Not at all.  You know what God did instead?  He wrestled with me, disciplined me, and cared for me in love.  He let me vent and pour out my heart to Him.  He let me struggle and twist and turn and try to remove myself from His loving bear hug.  He let me pump my fist, beat my chest, and yell up at Heaven…and He didn’t strike me down.

He loved me instead!  He answered me and told me He created me and all of us and all of this because He wants us to experience being loved and loving others for all eternity with Him in Heaven!  He showed me how much He cared from the outpouring of love and support I received from family and friends.  My children would write me notes saying they loved me and telling me to not give up.  He lifted me up and showed me a better way to eat and live, so I could heal quicker.  He cleansed my body of toxins and now I eat better than I ever have (100% Organic, 100% NON-GMO, and 100% Gluten Free baby!)  He told me to write my testimony and publish it, so I did and He empowered me to get it done.  He told me to start a blog and minister to people telling them everything that He has done for me, and here I am doing just that!

He also showed me that the sin and evil we see in this world is not because of Him.  He is on His throne and He is in control.  He also gave us free will, and we are living in a fallen world, and satan is very real.  The Bible is clear that the world will be in a state of utter chaos in the end, and we most definitely need a Savior.  The Lord already provided us a way out, and that way is Jesus.  He cared so much that He left Heaven and His throne to die for us!

“And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death–even death on a cross!”

Philippians 2:8

Above all God showed me that I am His, and nothing can ever, ever, ever snatch me out of His hand.  I glorify God, honor God, love God, and respect God because He is worthy of that glory, honor, love, and respect.  I came through my time of need with a deeper understanding and appreciation of who God is and how He loves, and I am going to keep telling people about Him until my very last breath on this earth.  I no longer pray, “Use somebody else Lord.”  I pray in Holy Spirit power, “Here I am Lord, use me!”

In all of my anger, I never stopped believing, I always called on Jesus, and I always asked for the Lord to fill me with the Holy Spirit.  The Lord even continued to use me to share the Gospel during that time!  Jesus has all authority here in my house and over my life, and He always will!

Believe me, those memories I have of the angels in 1998, and how Jesus was with me when I stopped breathing in 2012 have given me great strength through my time of suffering!  I love you Lord!  Thank you for saving me and forgiving me so many times!

He will forgive you too.  Give him your whole heart today.  Are you angry at God?  Good!  That’s a start because you already believe that He exists enough to be mad at Him!  Open up your heart, be honest, and wrestle Him if you have to.  I promise you will end up wrapped in His love forever!

Bless you all!

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:14-16