A Broken Heart

Sunset over Charlotte Harbor, Punta Gorda, FL

Hi. Remember me? It’s been a very long time since I’ve written a blog post. My last post was published in February of 2022. That was shortly after I had been hired at a new job and started working full time again after suffering Celiac for many years. Then, just a few months later in May, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I haven’t been able to write since then.

The last 2 years have been a nightmare full of heartache, loneliness, and despair. I have struggled daily with a deep pervasive sadness and hopelessness that has almost killed me many times. My heart is broken, my family is broken, my life and future are broken, and I don’t know how to move forward anymore.

I just take one day at a time, but every day just repeats over and over, and I am alone. I miss my kids so much. I only see them Friday night through Sunday night now. During the week, I come home to an empty house, and I wake up to an empty house. I go to work and go home and repeat every day in an endless cycle of loneliness and heartache. Holidays aren’t the same, birthdays aren’t the same, nothing is the same. Everything is broken. I can’t even look at my children’s baby pictures or our family albums. The sorrow that consumes me is unbearable.

I bought a house in February of this year (after living in an apartment since June of 2022), and I started a new job in June of this year. The kids like the house and neighborhood, and it’s a good job closer to home, and it pays better, but a house is only a home when it’s filled with love and family, and a job feels meaningless without a wife to share the daily experiences with. I was married for 21 years, then it was just over.

I can’t even explain how I feel now. It’s like a mixture of disillusionment, hopelessness, and anxiety in a numbing depression that never goes away. I turned 46 this summer, and I feel lost. My youngest child, my son, started high school this year, and my daughter is a Junior. I can feel myself getting older, and it’s like I’m watching time slip away.

I still believe God can do all things, and nothing is impossible for Him. I know He can heal, redeem, and make all things new, but I have prayed every day for our family to be healed and restored, but the pain continues. I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I don’t think I ever can be. I still believe God is love, and I believe in His love, but I don’t think I will ever believe in falling in love with a woman ever again.

None of this makes any sense. I only hang on for my kids. Life is only worth living when I’m with them. Apart from them, I don’t understand why I even exist, or what the point of any of this is or was.

Why did I meet her, get married, and have kids only to have it all end like this? His Word says it is not good for man to be alone, yet I am alone. His Word says love never fails, yet my wife left me for another man after over two decades together. His Word says He has good plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. Is this part of that? After suffering Celiac Disease for over a decade, then have my wife leave me right after all that pain and anguish? To go from torturous physical suffering to torturous emotional and mental suffering without any chance for a breath? Honestly, it’s amazing I’m still alive.

I feel worthless and condemned. I know God does not condemn me. I know He still loves me, and He is with me, but I feel like I’ve been condemned to a life of loneliness and despair, and that is no life at all. I would have never divorced my wife. I would have never left her for another woman. I believe in love and forgiveness and sticking it out together until the very end. When I made my vows before God and our families to be with her forever, I meant it.

I have asked God to kill me many times, but He does not do it. I used to preach the Gospel all the time, and I was filled with joy, hope, and peace that poured out of me. Now, I can barely breathe, and I feel like I’m drowning every day. My mind and heart are filled with grief and sorrow, and it’s all I can do to just get through work every day to make it to the next Friday to see my kids.

I had it all, and it was all taken from me. My life was destroyed in an instant, and for some reason, the Lord will not answer my prayers to heal it. Jesus is Lord no matter what, and I will proclaim that truth to my last breath. I am still following Him, spreading the Gospel, and sharing my testimony, but I am a shell of myself and barely hanging on.

I have still seen many good days with my kids since the divorce, and the Lord has been faithful in so many ways. I am just so very tired, and my heart aches over all the time and experiences that have been taken from us. Our kids should have never had to suffer this. This did not need to happen to our family.

I was not a perfect husband, and I made many mistakes in my marriage, but I loved my wife and would have never left her. I have many regrets, but I also know how much I repented and worked so hard to hold my marriage together. I forgave my wife of her sins and mistakes, and even now, I forgive and long for healing and reconciliation. I still love her and would take her back and keep loving her for the rest of my life, but only God can change a person’s heart, and that is the most amazing miracle of all.

Believers in Christ are supposed to love each other deeply, bear with each other in love, and forgive as Christ forgave us. When we throw those truths away, it causes unbelievable damage and heartache. If you are considering divorce, even as a passing thought, rebuke it away immediately! Run from temptation and infidelity! Honor God, and love and forgive. Fight for each other. Don’t give up! Get help, talk to your Pastor, seek counseling, and do something to make things right, but please do not consider divorce or leaving your spouse for someone else for another second. What God joined together let no man separate. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Live out 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 with all your heart. I am pleading with you from the painful depths of a broken heart, please do not let your love fail.

I will continue to pray for healing for my family, and I hope to continue serving the Lord in writing for Him, but this is where I am right now. I am struggling and fighting to survive, but I am clinging to Jesus, and I know He has me. Please pray for us.

In Christ Forever. Grace and peace to you all.

Unknown's avatar

Author: Ryan Callahan

Hello, and welcome to my site! I am an independent Christian author (One Man's Very Strange Supernatural Life), blogger, and evangelist for Jesus. My main goal with this blog is to help people come to know Jesus, help people understand the Bible, and to minister to a lost and hurting world. This site is about hope, new beginnings, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love! I'm glad you are here, God bless you! Copyright © 2025 Ryan Callahan. All rights reserved.

61 thoughts on “A Broken Heart”

  1. Hi Ryan, It was good to hear from you but not so good to hear what you’ve been going through. I can definitely sympathize and I did lift you up in prayer and asked Jesus to bless you, in mind, heart and the infilling of your spirit with God’s Holy Spirit.

    I don’t have any answers on why you have gone through this at all. The only thing I do know is that God’s love is far greater than we can comprehend and that He can indeed turn all things into good for those that love Him and have been called according to His purpose.

    I’m glad that you have reached out to others and asked for prayer and I am sure that there will be others who will also lift you up in prayer. I can only imagine how long and difficult the time has been for you during what has transpired. I was reminded of what Joseph wrongly endured in the Old Testament and how God turned that around for good to many.

    You indicated that your turned 46 this summer. That is not old, Ryan, and you still have many years before you. The only advice I can give you is not to close a door on what God has not closed. It may take some time but God can turn what seems impossible around. It may not be exactly how you envision it, but if it is His will for you, it will be good.

    My wife now has dementia and it is a difficult road to walk but I have learned that God’s grace is sufficient. It’s definitely not easy but His grace is new every morning. Trust in Him, He will see you through to a better day.

    You’re on my prayer list, Ryan, I shall be lifting you up daily now, brother. Love in Christ – Bruce

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  3. Hi, Ryan, I’m glad you shared this post. Please know that myself along with many many other of your Christian brothers & sisters are interceding on your behalf.

    As I read your post, I thought about Job. I’d encourage you to read the Book of Job again. I believe there are some things within that book of the Bible that may help you. I pray that as you read, that the Holy spirit would speak to your heart. God knows you love your kids. God knows that you did your best to keep your marriage together, but it takes two partners who are willing to put in 100% from each of their sides to keep a marriage going.

    I believe Satan is attacking your mind with what you feel you’ve lost. But God wants to show you that, even at age 46, He has the best future for you. Again, take a little time to reread the Book of Job; And may The Holy Spirit give you revelation, and heal your heart, my Christian brother.

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  4. Oh Ryan, I’m so sorry to hear of what you’ve been through. My husband died suddenly, which was very hard to bear, but it wasn’t his choice to leave. I feel divorce is much more damaging than death in a way, because someone has chosen to leave. You are grieving, as you should. Painful though it is, letting those emotions out is necessary, and part of the healing process. I’m sorry you are distanced forcibly from your children too. That seems even more unfair. It’s good that you are writing again though. The Lord helped me to express my emotions through writing and, those of us who do write, tend to put our heart and soul into it! Keep writing! It doesn’t matter if you keep expressing your hurt and disappointment. The Lord will inspire you to write in ways that speak to others who are hurting too. Remember, in God’s economy nothing is wasted! As you give him your heart he will repair not only yours, but others’ through your writing. Bless you, Brother. Sending you a hug.

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  6. I have missed reading your blogs. I have even been led to pray for you on a couple of occasions. Trust and believe that God loves you. Bad things happen because of sin that entered our world when Adam and Eve took that first bite in the Garden of Eden. Sin is so ugly and appears in many different forms. God does not want you to live in a state of misery, depression and loneliness. It is time to ask Him to take it all, the heartache, the hurt, the anger, the pain, the loneliness and the resentment. Ask Him to take it all and to fill your emptiness with more of Him. Only God can turn your mess into His message. If you didn’t have anything else, you have God. He is with you. He is for you. He cares for you. Let Him put back what the enemy would like to steal from you. Let God flood you with His power, peace, joy and protection. Let God make you the best version of you that you can be. Read Psalm 34. Remember that God is near the brokenhearted. Ryan, as hard as it may be, I want you to purposely turn on praise music. Praise the Lord for He is good, and He is worthy of all praise. You will be in my prayers. God is good.

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    1. Thank you for the good word, amen. It is comforting to know the Lord has led people to pray for me. I admit it has been hard for me to listen to the Christian music I use to enjoy daily. I have been listening to it more recently. I will pray and do what you have recommended. I pray He does as you have prayed and said. Amen, God is good. Blessings.

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  7. Good morning, Ryan. I pray everyday for you and your family, and that it is in his will that he answers them all soon…bessings of healing, peace, joy, continued protection, and I thank him for the strength he gives you everyday and night!

    I know it has been a long time since you felt like you could write and it was such a blessing to see that you did, even with your heartache you want to help others and I know you will reach many that need to hear what you shared. I am grateful and thankful you felt like writing again, Ryan, to reach out to friends who miss you, and I am so proud of you. With God we can and will! I love you. Love, Mom

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  8. It’s good to see you back here, Ryan. You have been in my prayers, and will continue to be. God is mightily blessing you, though it’s hard to see from a human perspective. Like GodsFaithful, I thought of Job when I read your post. We simply cannot see from God’s perspective. I am blessed to see you hanging in there, hanging onto God.

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  9. Oh Ryan, I’m so glad you are back. I’ve missed your blogs. I’ve missed reading of your faithfulness during your times of struggles. I appreciate your continued faithfulness during this worst struggle of all!! In my morning prayers, I lift up praises to the Holy One True God, I lift up intercessions for others (I’m adding for God to rebuild your marriage, and mostly to strengthen your faith as never before).
    God has already used you in a beautiful way. You have no way of knowing the marriages you may have saved by encouraging others to hold to their spouse with patience, forgiveness, and all the love God places in your heart.
    I also lift up the mountains in my life during my prayer time. I shout out Scripture verses to these mountains that they may move and be thrown into the sea. Some are: Psalm 34:17, Psalm 33:22, Psalm 119:116, 117, 123, 173. Check those in the NLT.
    God WILL make a way when there seems to be no way. It’s what He does.
    God bless you!

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    1. Amen, thank you. I appreciate your prayers, and I pray in agreement with you. I hope & pray with all my heart that He rebuilds my marriage, and turns it all around for our good & His glory. I will read those verses as well. Blessings.

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  10. Hello Ryan! My name is Roberta and go by Mother Hen here. I want to share this verse with you.

    To console the mourners in Zion- to give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61: 3

    I’m kind of like a grandma cheerleader. I’ll be on the sidelines, rooting for you. God is faithful. When I was young woman, I lacked in so many ways. That led to poor decisions and heartbreak. We have hope and I am so very thankful for God’s mercy and grace. Be encouraged! From what I have read, you have several wise caring people praying for you. I’ll keep you in prayer too..

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  12. Hey, brother, I’m so, so sorry to hear about what you have been going through! Your heart has been missed, and for some reason has been on my heart, now I know why? God, needed me to hold you up in prayer. You and your family, has been on my prayer list, every week since your last post. I’ve never met you, but my heart is full, and broken to reading these words; but God! Hang in there, God is faithful, and has a purpose for your heart.

    Father, I bring my brother, to the foot of Your heart. You see, You know all that his heart is feeling. I pray that You will continue to hover, and cover his heart and mind. I pray for restoration, and healing within his marriage, and family! With You, all things are possible! In Jesus’ name, Amen!

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  13. I was touched by your suffering and started following your blog around the time you quit writing so you would not remember me. My husband died of a sudden heart attack in 2002 and my daughter died 5 years later. She was diagnosed with Juvenile Onset Diabetes at 10 and died at 25 after 11 months on dialysis. There were so many times I wish I was the one suffering instead of her. But even though I went through so many painful trials, I learned a lot. The Lord was teaching me how Satan moves. Now I can pray so much more effectively than before.
    He promises to make it all work for our good and He cannot lie. But we must believe there is a good ending. Satan is the father of lies. We must choose between the flesh, the world and the devil. I had to learn how to stop everything and voice what I had to be thankful for. I made it a practice to sing my Praise and worship songs every day at the same time. There lies your healing. He inhabits the praises of His people. I stopped watching TV and going places and just chose to be with Jesus. And He chose to be with me. I live alone without my other kids and love it. Because I am not alone.
    I am so very happy now. He knew what I needed and changed my life for the better. I had to go through the fire to get here. But I would not change a thing.
    He is so good and loves you more than you can comprehend. But you have to choose to be thankful and turn off the media and let Him come near to you. We must be separate before He receives us as a Father. Hang in there, Ryan, you can do this, or He would not have allowed it.
    There are blessings for you. He always gives us more after suffering than we deserve! Start thinking positive and see things change! You have more family than you know! 🕊️🎶🌹❤️🙏🏻
    Your new friend, Wenda

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  14. What a powerful post. My former spouse left me for someone else after 12 years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. There is light on the other side of this, but you have to work and strive to move toward it, and be patient. Allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling and ask all the questions you’re asking. Determine not to be bitter or crushed, and this, like a terrible storm, will pass, and on the other side of it, your life will be better and meaningful. Please believe that. I hope you have someone you can talk to in person and in depth about this.

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    1. Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate your encouragement. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through as well. Glad to know you made it through. It’s the worst heartache of my life. Yes, I have good family and friends I talk to a lot. That definitely helps. Blessings to you.

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  15. Blessings my Brother in Christ! I’ve thought of you often, and every time I did, I said a little prayer for you. I wanted to reach out to you, but I didn’t know how, since you weren’t posting on here. I even thought about reaching out to you Mom. I am so very glad that you started posting again. My heart breaks for you, now knowing what happened. I wish you had told us sooner, so we could be here for you and pray for and with you. I believe that our Heavenly Father lets things happen for a reason. We don’t understand it, but He is in control. I aslo believe that He takes the bad things that happen to us and turns them around, for His Glory and ours. I’ve missed you so much! I was just getting started with my blog, and you were faithful to like my posts and comment every day. Not many people do that. I’m praying for you and your situation, knowing that God is in control, and knowing that He will see you through this. Please keep on posting and staying in touch with your family here who love you and care about you. My heart is singing with joy… because I have my Brother in Christ back! Love you!

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    1. Thank you, Colleen. It’s great to hear from you. I really appreciate your comforting and encouraging words. Thank you for your prayers as well. I truly pray the Lord turns all this around for our good and His glory. I hope to keep writing and visiting everyone’s blogs. I have good days and bad days, and it’s hard to stay consistent right now. May His will be done with all of this. Many blessings to you, sister.

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      1. I understand. But just know that having this blog is a blessing to you. So many people love you and care about you on here! I hope this helps and that it gives you encouragement to stay in touch with us. We all have missed you so much!

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  18. I’m so sorry, Ryan. Divorce is devastating; I hate it.

    I know another man who has not long ago also gone through a divorce not of his choosing. He is also a Believer but has a very different perspective. If you’d like, you can leave a comment at my place, which would give me your email address, and I can share it with him, with your permission, and he would be glad to contact you. I have already asked if this was something he was willing to do, and he said it was.

    If not, that’s totally fine, too.

    May God fill you with His endurance, long-suffering, wisdom, knowledge, Truth, and peace.

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  19. Ryan!! I haven’t been great about blog reading lately but I’m making an effort to catch up today. I was thankful to see you posted, you know I’ve missed your posts and I’ve checked in on you a few times. Know that I’m praying for you.
    Like others mentioned, this suffering reminds me much of the story of Job which I actually happen to be reading and studying currently…I too can get down about some of the harshness that’s occurred in my life over the years but as I read Job 38-41 the other day I was reminded that the Lord is fully in control…and then comes Job 42 and Job once again experiences restoration and multiple blessings but not before all those trials and waiting…there’s so much to learn and to listen to in the waiting..keep looking to Him for hope, He is moving and sees your pain. Breakthrough will come.
    I can only make suggestions to try and help but have you met with a Christian counselor you can connect with? Are you attending a church where you are being fed and encouraged? Would you be interested in starting a new hobby—painting or pottery classes, taekwondo, music lessons? Keep your mind busy on Jesus, creativity and positivity!!! Look for what there is to be thankful for.
    Praying for you!! What a step in the right direction to move forward and write again, you are so gifted with boldness in your writing! Keep at it!!

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    1. Thank you, Alicia. It’s always good hearing from you. I appreciate all the times you’ve reached out the last couple of years. I met with Christian counselors a couple of times, but it wasn’t something I wanted to continue long-term afterwards. We have a church, and I’ve talked with one of the pastors. Thank you for the good advice & encouragement. I’ve been thinking about getting back to playing my guitar and writing again, but just taking one step at a time. Thanks for your prayers. Blessings to you and your family.

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  21. Ryan, I am so sorry to hear this. I won’t say I understand how you feel, but I will share this. My husband left me for another woman after 26 years of marriage. I was devastated and became clinically depressed. I held on by telling myself, “I won’t always feel like this.” You may be surprised to hear me say this, but medication for depression may be needed. It will help and it doesn’t mean you don’t trust God. I’m including my personal email in case you want to talk with me privately. I will be praying for you.🙏 specialccd@icloud.com

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  24. Hi Ryan!

    I just happened upon this page! I think we went to high school together, strangest thing (Mr.King’s Physics class lol). Glad I found this page, and I’m looking forward to reading your book. Praying for you!

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    1. Wow! Hi, Erin! This is really cool. Amazing you found my site. I appreciate you wanting to read my book. My family went through some very crazy stuff in our house in St. Charles. Thank you for your prayers. The last 2 years have been heartbreaking for me and my kids. Thanks for reaching out. It’s great hearing from you. God bless!

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  25. Hi, Ryan. Life sucks and then you die. It’s a fallen world. I empathize with your pain much, but, count your blessings. My son is dead. At least your kids are living and you can enjoy a relationship with them. We cannot know how the Lord helps us without His wisdom being revealed. Perhaps your wife if she had stayed would have brought even worse pain. We just cannot know. All we can do is trust God. This world is an eyeblink of time in the grand scheme. While we are in it, of course we writhe with the painful aspects.
    You’re still young. Any day the Lord may send you a good mate. There is always hope with God. Thank the Lord for your blessings, even if they don’t seem the very best. Be thankful your children were not born with a horrible malady (I assume they were not). Be thankful if your former mate’s new man is not abusive to them. The list does go on.
    God bless

    Paul

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    1. Thank you, Paul. My ex-wife ended up not being with the guy she comitted adultery with. That guy ended up never coming to the town she is in. She is currently single, and she destroyed her life for nothing. And by the way, I would never let another man ever be abusive to my kids. I’ve warned my ex-wife several times that I’m still the man of this family, & I will protect my kids. Praying comfort & blessings for you.

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  28. Hello Brother Ryan..,

    I have missed you.

    Thats a lot of pain and heartache there…that youve shared.

    Through it all…you already know God is there…even if you do feel alone. You are not.

    I had a Godly ordained marriage back in 2015…Gods hand put it together…after meeting her on the first day….we discovered we had both been praying for a mate at the same time five mins before meeting each other.

    Long story short…i would not stop using drugs. She left. I respect her for doing so. I dont believe in divorce either.

    I am happy for her now. She has remarried.

    For me- what never worked was “trying to do all i could to get her back…the more i tried..no matter what i did she would feel smothered…and my efforts would push her away…

    Until God made me understand why…

    Its because in all my daily efforts to get her back…i made her #1 priority in my life…i had dethrowned God from his rightful place.

    Once i fixed my focus back onto God being #1 every day, including not going to him in prayer for my marriage but solely going to him to spend time with him while always seeking for opportunities to help others- thats when God would always touch her heart and direct her heart back to mine and she would call me.

    In the end…i continued to rebel..use drugs so she left. But prior to our marriage ending…what i shared above always remained true.

    God bless you, your life, across every environment, atmosphere, that you live, work, or play in..in Jesus mighty name, amen.

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