I am suffering terribly. Those of you who know me know I’ve been fighting Celiac disease and Cachexia for almost 9 years now. It is taking its toll on me and I find myself at a point where I am completely beat down and exhausted. I need serious prayer from my brothers and sisters in Christ! The evil one is trying to kill me, and I have been clinging to Jesus with everything I am. Only He can rescue me and heal me, and I am crying out for mercy.
I don’t know what has happened to my body since moving down here to Florida, but I have entered into a time where it has been almost impossible to function normally during the day. From the time I get up around 7 a.m. until 1 p.m. or later, I have been laid out on the couch due to intestinal, colon, and hemorrhoid pain. I’m in the bathroom all morning and afternoon excreting stool, intestinal mucus, weird bubbles, and blood. Sometimes I can eat a banana for breakfast and sometimes I can’t. Haven’t been able to eat lunch on a regular basis, and I don’t have an appetite until dinner. If I do eat lunch, all I have is a small bowl of brown rice noodles and a few black olives. I don’t eat much at dinner either. Just a couple small waffle slices and some bison meat or bacon. Sometimes I can’t eat meat though.
I’m not getting enough nutrients. This disease is dominating my life. I can’t eat, I can’t write, I have to reschedule appointments, and it is painful to pick up my son from school every day. I have lost more weight and I’m already 30 pounds underweight. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I am crying out for mercy and asking the Lord to do another miracle in my life and heal me. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need to be healed! I can’t go on like this. The evil one has been attacking my mind constantly during this time with the worst attacks of shame, guilt, and condemnation I have ever experienced in my 24 year walk with Jesus. Thoughts of suicide run through my mind all day and I have been attacked over and over again with feelings of fear based on the evil one’s lies regarding my salvation. I have never experienced such attacks on my confidence in Christ ever! The depression has been crushing me!
I know the Lord and I know His Word. I know what He has done for me and I know I’m not condemned! Jesus was right there with me when I stopped breathing! The evil one is a liar and I rebuke him in the Name of Jesus!
The devil lies and tells me the sins I have committed after accepting Christ are not forgiven and I am abandoned and condemned. The devil lies and tells me that is why I’m not healed. The devil lies and tells me I am forsaken and pathetic. The devil lies and beats me over the head with the sins I’ve committed during my walk with Christ, and makes me feel shame that is paralyzing. It’s like my mind is being torn apart and I have been suffering great anguish every day. The devil twists Scripture and thoughts run through my mind that I’m worse than an unbeliever because I can’t even provide for myself or my family and I should just die. That they would be better off without me and a real man would set his family free from the suffering and take himself out.
I rebuke the devil’s lies by crying out to Jesus to rebuke him, and I recite the truth in God’s Word! There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ! Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me! I am not abandoned! I am not condemned! My sins are forgiven and God does not want me to kill myself! Please have mercy on me, Jesus!
Please pray for me! It is a little after 1 a.m. here on the East coast. I am not looking forward to the morning. I am so tired and I don’t want to suffer anymore. I need to be able to eat and gain weight. I am literally wasting away! I cannot be in constant pain constantly going to the bathroom with no end in sight! It is maddening and I need help! The doctors don’t ever help me. I need a miracle!
I know God can do all things! I know nothing is impossible for God! If you know my testimony, then you know why I can say that with full confidence. The Lord has done amazing miracles in my life. Casting out demons, saving me and speaking to me by using angels, and he saved me by a miracle when I stopped breathing in 2012. I know God can heal me! I know He can stop the pain and help me get better! Please Lord, have mercy on me!
I come before the Lord and all of you tonight as a broken man. I am nothing. I am a sinner. I am only saved by God’s grace through my faith in Jesus. I have made so many mistakes in my walk with Christ, and I have sinned shamefully many times. I have not always followed Him faithfully, but He has always been faithful to me. I don’t want to die! I want to live! I want to be here for my wife and kids, but this is no way to live. I am barely surviving this disease, and my days have been drenched in such terrible suffering that I don’t know how much more I can take. My flesh is weak, but the Holy Spirit inside me is strong. It is only the Spirit in me that I can even write this tonight.
I want to be strong for my family. I want to work again and provide for them. I want to be here to see my kids grow up and see my grand kids someday! All of my hopes and dreams are fading. I am only 42 and I am having serious problems with my digestive system. I have to be able to eat! I am slowly starving to death! At this point in my life, I can’t imagine living another year let alone another 20 to 30. What will my gut, intestines, and colon be like in another 20 years! It’s ridiculous! I’m in pain and I need healing! The mental anguish alone is enough to drive a person totally crazy!
I want to serve Jesus and keep preaching the Gospel. I pray He is pleased with me and pleased with this blog. I know I haven’t always said things right. I know I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been harsh and aggressive at times. Forgive me if I have discouraged or hurt you in any way. I want to speak the truth in love with gentleness and respect, but I am not perfect in it, or in anything for that matter. Jesus is perfect. I am a sinful man saved by grace and the only goodness, righteousness, and holiness in me is Jesus!
I have asked Jesus to forgive all my sins, and the truth is all my sins are behind His back! He has separated my sins from me as far as the east is from the west, and He remembers them no more! He is not looking at me through a record of wrongs and He does not count my sins against me! I am fully forgiven and redeemed in the Blood of Jesus Christ and I claim that great and glorious victory by faith! That is the truth I know from God’s Word, and the devil’s lies will never triumph over God’s Truth!
None of us who follow Jesus have followed Him perfectly. We all need His grace, mercy, and forgiveness throughout our entire walk with Him! We all struggle with sin and it is the Lord who will see us through to the end. It is the Lord who is faithful and He will bring us safely into His Heavenly Kingdom!
Please pray that God will stop the attacks on my mind and please pray that He will heal me in His great mercy! I am a child of God! I declare with all my heart that I love and believe in Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ is Lord, and I believe God raised Him from the dead! I am not abandoned! I am loved and saved and I have eternal life in Jesus! Please stop the pain, Lord! Please help me! In Your Holy Name, Lord Jesus, please have mercy on me and glorify Your Name in my healing! Let it be yet another amazing part of my miraculous testimony and let many come to know You through it, amen!
I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want to wake up in pain having to fight this disease all day. I bow before the Lord in great fear and reverence as I wait for Him to answer me. Please don’t just say a passing prayer for me. Please cry out to the Lord to have mercy on me! I don’t know how else I will survive this. It has just become too much to bear and I want it to be over now. I hope He will give me strength, help me eat, help me gain weight, take away the pain, and help me get back to serving Him by preaching His Word on this blog every day.
I repent for all my sins. Anybody I have ever hurt or sinned against, please forgive me. This disease has destroyed my life. Thank you for praying for me!
Grace and peace to you all!
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast.”
“Blessed are they
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
whose sin the Lord will never count
“Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins
behind your back.”