7 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis

pic quote isaiah 38 v 10

Today is January 6, 2019.  It has been 7 years since I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease on 1-6-2012.  On that day I weighed 128 pounds and I was dying from a damaged small intestine.  Starving to death is what the doctor actually told me.  I spent years vomiting and having diarrhea.  My small intestine never fully healed and I still can’t gain a healthy weight.  I am cold all the time because I don’t have any fat on me.  I suffer in some way every day and I really don’t know what to say anymore.  I have been sitting here staring at the blank page all morning and all I could think of was Hezekiah.  I wish I had some kind of encouraging word for you, but I don’t.  I am not encouraged.  I am broken and I am sick of this disease and I am sick of living with it.  The prime of my life was taken from me.  All the food I love is gone now.  I can no longer eat it.  I am still very angry about that and in recent months I have grown hopeless and weary.  I don’t know why this happened to me and I don’t care anymore.  I just want to be healed, but He won’t heal me.  He has all the power in the world to heal me and make it right, but He doesn’t.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just have to trust that His grace is sufficient.

What would you do if you were diagnosed with a disease that left you completely broken and hating life?  What would you do if every good food you grew up loving was taken from you and instead you were given a highly restricted diet of gluten free food and just to add injury to insult dairy and eggs and everything else were taken from you too?  Would you have a big fat phony smile on your face and act like everything is okay or would you be real about it?

I just about walked away from this blog and from Twitter and from everything last week.  I have prayed all I can pray.  I have asked for help, I have cried out, and I have been on my knees more times than I can count.  I am still suffering.  I was even nauseous and dizzy yesterday for seemingly no reason!  It’s just Celiac.  This is my life now.  I thought after all this time, I would be better, but 7 years later and I am still fighting this disease and I don’t want to fight anymore.  I hate my life with Celiac.  I despise it and you would too.

So yeah, pray for me.  My heart is broken, my body is broken, and I am so sick of it all I could just die.  What do you think about that?  Do you want to judge me?  You want to give me some verses to read like I don’t already know the verses?  Go ahead.  Point your finger, judge, look down on me, I really don’t care.  Let Him do whatever it is He is going to do.  He is God and I am not and I never asked to be here!

365 days times 7 years is 2,555 days.  That is how many days I have suffered since being diagnosed with this sickening disease that has ruined my life.  That is how many days I have cried out to God for healing and blessing.  Have I been patient enough yet?  Have I suffered enough yet?  I know people who have suffered longer and worse than me.  What about them?  Can we go home yet?  I am not enjoying my time here on this sick sinful earth and I want to go home and I don’t care who understands or who doesn’t.  This post is for me.  This is my life not yours.  I don’t care who judges me.  It is my messed up life that I have to suffer not yours.

I’m hungry and I just want to be able to eat again like everybody else.  Is that too much to ask?!  Guess so.  I told you all from the start I was going to be honest.  I don’t want to live this suffering anymore.  I’m tired.  Do you know how sick and tired of brown rice noodles I am?  Try eating that every single day for lunch for 2,555 consecutive days and you tell me how you feel?  Stop eating everything you love.  Stop drinking coffee, stop going out to all the great restaurants you love and just stay home and eat the same thing every single day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 7 straight years and you tell me how you feel?  You tell me if you still have hope.  Most of you couldn’t even give up coffee, let alone all the food you love.  You have no idea what this disease is like.  You don’t know the pain from the weakness in my muscles and bones from only weighing in the 130s standing 6 foot 1 inch tall.  It’s not a good feeling.  It makes me angry and I hate it.

I am losing hope rapidly.  I have prayed all I can pray and His answer is a big fat NO.  I feel abandoned and left behind.  I feel hated.  I don’t feel loved.  I pray every day for healing and blessing, but it’s like He is deaf as He just sits there.  I feel like He is laughing at me and He enjoys my suffering.  That’s what I feel like.

Yes, I am a believer in Jesus and I know He loves me, but I am still suffering and I just don’t understand anymore.  I just want to go get a big burger and fries and eat!!!  Do you understand that?!!  I want a chocolate shake!  I’m hungry and I have a disease that makes my body waste away!  I eat waffles and bananas for breakfast, brown rice noodles and black olives for lunch, and I have bison and a baked potato for dinner…every…single…day!  Sometimes we mix it up and have chicken or fish and that’s it.  That’s as exciting as my food gets.  Think about it!  Your whole family and culture revolves around food!  I can’t even have barbecue sauce, caffeine, or chocolate anymore!  Going out to eat was a very special thing to me and now I can never go out to eat again.  No more Mexican food with cheese and green chili.  No more cheeseburgers or pizza.  No more salsa, no more amazing flavors.  Just the same food every single day and I’m supposed to be happy about that?  Okay, sure.

Keep your head up Ryan.  Keep going Ryan.  Don’t give up Ryan.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I’ve heard it all before.  Hey healthy people, what are you having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today?  Something different?  A new restaurant?  New flavors?  New textures?  Maybe your favorite?  You know what I get?  The same exact thing I ate the last 2,555 days, and I’m just supposed to be so thankful for that.  I can’t eat chips, I can’t go out to eat, I can’t have new textures and flavors.  I can’t enjoy a hot cup of coffee on a cold morning.  I can’t have chocolate anymore, I can’t have eggs and cheese, I can’t have anything I grew up on!  It is a very cruel disease.  My Mom used to make a great barbecue beef.  I will never be able to eat it again.  I can’t enjoy family gatherings anymore.  I have to bring my own food and eat separate from everybody else because if I get contaminated with wheat or oats, I could die.  Oats caused me to go into anaphylactic shock on 4-28-2012!

I can’t even eat most of the boxed or bagged gluten free foods because they are always made in a facility that uses wheat or dairy or oats or soy or some other thing I can’t have.  Hey food industry people, it’s not gluten free if it’s made in the same facility with wheat!  Get a clue and quit acting so stupid and ignorant!  If I ingest even a small crumb of those things or my food is made on the same line with those foods, then I get incredibly sick and I could die!  Yes, I have to read every single ingredient on the label and it also has to say “Certified Gluten Free” and be made in a dedicated gluten free facility that also doesn’t use eggs or dairy.  Get it?  Do you know how hard that is to find?  It doesn’t exist most of the time because the food industry caters to you, not to people like me.

People still mock and make fun of people who have to eat gluten free.  Do you want to mock me?  Do you want to make fun of me?  I even hear Christians make their ignorant mocking jokes about gluten free on Twitter.  Do you want to do that to me too?  Bunch of arrogant people with no compassion.  If I hear anybody else making fun of people who have to eat gluten free, I am going to rebuke you to your arrogant face in front of everybody.  Do you understand that?!  I have to live this way for the rest of my life!  Show some compassion!  Quit making fun of people who suffer!  You sound like an idiotic fool!

I am broke, I am in debt, I have a chronic illness auto-immune disorder and I am 40 years old, but I’m supposed to sit here and be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer!  Right!  Is 2,555 days (plus the 10 years I suffered leading up to diagnosis) enough suffering?  For 10 years I suffered while doctors misdiagnosed me and told me it was stress!  I even had a doctor prescribe motion sickness pills once!  Can you believe the idiocy of our American doctors?!!!  Is having my life ripped away from me in the prime of my early 30s enough?  Have I been joyful, patient, and faithful enough?  Pfft, who knows!  Only God knows that, right?  If you are some name it and claim it preacher, I don’t want to hear your lies either.  Keep that false preaching to yourself!  God has a will and His will will be done no matter what.  We can pray and ask for healing.  Doesn’t mean you are going to get it phony name it and claim it preachers!

I am going to spend time praying about whether I should shut this blog down or not.  I really don’t have anything else to say.  Have a great day eating all the foods you love.  I truly hope you are thankful for your health and you never take it for granted.  Go out to eat today and before you sit down to that amazing meal, truly give thanks to God for allowing you to stuff your mouth with it.  Don’t ever take those flavors and textures for granted.  I pray to God none of you ever have to suffer what I’ve suffered.  I am a prisoner in a prison that only God can release me from.

Oh boy, look at the time.  It’s lunch time here in Denver.  Yippee!  I get to eat brown rice noodles, mmmm so good.  You know what I want?  I want a big Philly cheese steak sandwich with steak fries, but you guessed it, I can’t have it.  No, I can’t even eat the fries restaurants make because of the oil they use and most of the time they add wheat to their recipe!  You don’t know about that because you’ve never had to research it!  Instead I am forced to eat brown rice noodles with a vegetable based butter since I can’t have dairy.  I weigh 133 pounds when I should weigh 160.  I hate this diseased life and I want to go home now.  You can all pretend to be happy if you want.  I’m not going to be fake.  Have a great day eating all the food you love.  You have no idea how blessed you are.  You have no idea how loved and blessed you are as you get to eat whatever you want without a second thought.

Just remember, there is nothing fair about life on earth.  It sucks down here and you know it.  I never asked to be here in the first place and I sure didn’t ask to be diagnosed with a disease that ruins lives.  I feel so bad for all the parents with kids suffering cancer over at Children’s Hospital today.  I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to say to you.  I don’t know why God allows that and I can’t answer your questions.  I believe in Jesus because my family lived in a house with a demon when I was in high school.  If that had never happened, I probably would have never believed.  I don’t understand it all and I’m sick and tired of trying to.  I just want it to end.

Yes, Jesus will save your soul if you believe in Him.  That doesn’t mean you won’t suffer.  This earth is nothing but suffering and we all just have to deal with it and there is nothing fair about that.  I truly hope those who don’t know Jesus find Him before they die.  Don’t spend your whole life suffering this sinful earth and then spend eternity suffering without Him.  Please choose Heaven.  That is our only hope.  There is no hope on this earth without Jesus!

Grace and peace

*Side note (written 4 days after this post on 1-10-19)

If you are new to my blog and this is the first post of mine you have ever read, please know I love the Lord with all of my heart.  My blog reads like an open diary at times where I am brutally honest regarding my faith and my relationship with the Lord.  On this particular day I was fed up and feeling angry regarding my Celiac Disease.  It was not a happy anniversary.

My main purpose for this blog is to preach the Gospel and help people come to know Jesus.  I am not perfect.  I am a sinner saved by grace.  Please read my post titled “Rough Around The Edges.”  I wrote it on 1-8-19 two days after this post to help people understand how I write and why I wrote this 7 year anniversary post the way I did.  Thank you for checking out my blog!  I invite you to check the “About Me” page and the “My Beliefs” page and check out some of my other posts.  I’m glad you’re here!  If you need prayer or would like to contact me with questions or comments, I would love to hear from you!  You can reach me directly and privately through my blog “Contact” page.

God bless you!

Author: Author Ryan Callahan

Hello, and welcome to my site! I am an Independent Christian Author (One Man's Very Strange Supernatural Life) and Freelance Writer, and most importantly I am an every day Minister to whomever God sends my way. My main goal with this blog is to help people come to know the Lord Jesus and help them understand the Bible and apply it in their every day lives. This site is about hope, new beginnings, grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love! I'm glad you are here, enjoy!

55 thoughts on “7 Year Anniversary of Diagnosis”

  1. I cannot understand your pain but I can understand the desire to leave this Viel of Tears. I want you to know someone is reading this and caring. My spiritual heart is grieving about your dispare. :*( I wish I could hold you and let you cry. Love in Christ Jesus.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hi brother I don’t know what it’s like to have what you have but I that God is in control of it knows about it. I will keep you in my prayers brother. We all have things in this life BUT GOD! Remember when Jesus talked about the man born blind and the Disciples asked why and His response. Now matter how bad things get for us it doesn’t change how good God is. Soon and very soon we will be home at the Rapture. If you want to look up sermons about trials by Pastor JD Farag .

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Your welcome brother just stay in the Word and prayer and don’t listen to the enemy he wants to keep us all down in these final hours before the Rapture but we as Believers in Jesus Christ watch for the Blessed Hope of the Rapture.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I have a son in the Springs whose family has gone through much suffering also. He has a son with Celiac and a wife with chronic illness. I do not have answers. I am reading a book right now that is entitled, “Don’t Waste Your Sorrows” by Paul Billheimer. It was given to me by a gal who has now had Celiac for at least thirty years. Her son committed suicide and her husband of twenty-five years left her. She has become a Christian Counselor and has great compassion for people because of what she has suffered.
    I don’t know why God allowed Job to suffer, so much was taken from him. I don’t think I could have stood it if everything was taken from me except for a complaining spouse. Somehow he hung on and God eventually redeemed his suffering.
    God will redeem your suffering. I don’t know how or when but He will bring good out of all of it, I promise you. (Romans 8:28).
    Suffering without understanding, a very difficult place to be and yet most of us suffer that way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 6 people

  4. i get it. been there more times that i can count or even care to admit. different circumstances, same ‘place.’

    i don’t understand it, either. if my daughters had anyone else but me, i’d be more than glad to go to sleep and wake up on the other side, yesterday. but they have no one else. i pray that will continue to be enough to will me to live.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. i believe you. and understand.

        i’ve started a post but have not been able to find a way to properly articulate it the way i want … but, i don’t understand why Believers are so averse to dying. there is bondage in life, but there is freedom in death.

        i could be totally wrong … but i think that finding ways to ‘touch’ others, pray for others … God gifting people into my life who say, “You changed my life today” … helps in little ways. there’s a point, though, where it’s not enough. and yet, we’re required to keep waking up. i don’t understand. i just know it exists.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Many suffer brother. In so many ways. May we all try to remember within our own pain just how much worse it could be, and how much worse some have it. God bless you man. I know my words won’t cancel the facts of Celiac, but keep pressing on Ryan. Continue to be His beacon in order for the world to see His truth!

        Liked by 3 people

  5. from the time they were born until they outgrew it, i spent a lot of time putting my girls to bed … reading to them, singing, praying. especially after their dad left, i would often spend an hour or two with each every night.

    Aspie-Girl had full-gut issues from birth and often lots of ‘idiopathic’ pain. there was a season about a year after her dad left when it was really bad and kept her awake many a night, so i would pray for her every night that God would heal her. finally, one night, she said to me, “Mommy, stop praying that. God isn’t going to heal me.” u.g.h. i soaked her pillow with my silent tears that night.

    and … He hasn’t … healed her. she is almost 19 and still has chronic reflux (told when she was five it was as a senior adult) and chronic gut-pain … all still undiagnosed even after lots of tests.

    i don’t understand things like this. i really do not understand it. why be born to live a life of such pain and tragedy? i don’t know. i have no answers.

    may God enable you to live and endure what He requires. it has become my prayer for myself … that God would enable me … b/c i literally have nothing left of myself to help me to live.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. thank you.

        no, she has not gone completely gluten-free. i’m going to take her to my nutritionist.

        she does not make these changes well and will often be over-ridden by what she wants in the immediate – the autism and sensory kick in. and then things like soda crackers and Ezekiel bread help her tummy. if she wants something, she will get it. so a lot has been helped by waiting for her brain to mature.

        also … her unknown, anaphylactic food allergy this year has greatly altered her diet. she has an epi with her all the time now, but it sucks to use it b/c it takes several days for her body to get all that out of her system.

        we’ll see what the nutritionist says.

        i’m with you on doctors. all my own labs kept coming back good and normal, but i knew i was sick. it was this nutritionist who was able to figure it out.

        – – –

        i totally understand the frustration level with not knowing … but knowing that God knows yet doesn’t reveal it to us. it’s so incredibly frustrating.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Ryan, I wonder if you’ve underestimated yourself? You keep on quoting 2,555 days, yet I wonder if there was a leap year in there or two.

    Perhaps you’ve been at this a little longer than you think?

    The choice is yours but the questions and guilt will be theirs. The ones who love you.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. ” God Bless you Brother Author Ryan…((Hugs)) I will say this that Our LORD and SAVIOR Jesus Christ has not forsaken you, nor I . He I do believe can taste your pain, anger,etc. I do know personally what it’s like to suffer pain. I live with a Chronic Illness. I do see each that He has allowed me to wake up to see is changing before my own eyes. I know that I’m here for a purpose. And I know my illness will become worst. I do not believe Jesus Christ will fought us by expressing what we are going through here on this earth. He is Love!! His a Forgiving Father, and we both know that He is Faithful. I will be praying for you, just as you will be praying for me, and as we both will continue for others, and we ((All)) as Children of the Most Highest shall be praying ye for one another Day and Night. Don’t give up!! Our Heavenly Father is using you for His Purpose. I will stop here. One day at a Time Dear Jesus that’s what I’m asking of You. Give me the Strength to do as long as I can…I love this Song!! I may didn’t sing it completely correct, but I do believe you got it!! :)I Thank you for sharing. Agape!! Shalom!! Jesus Christ has given Us the VICTORY!! Keep Praising Him!! \0\0/

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You Very Welcome!! Oh!! I forgot to say: Happy Bless New Year 2019 to you and Your Family. Hallelujah!! \0/\0/ 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Ryan you have touched my heart as I was reading this. I am so sad for you. I want you to know that I am going to fast one meal a day for you and as I fast I am praying for a Miracle in your life. I am believing that you will be able to have pizza and Philly cheese steaks very soon! Don’t give up on your blog you really touched my heart! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Thank you for your honesty dear brother! Just last night, as I lay pouring out my heart and questions to God–diet changes, lifestyle changes, almost ever medication available has failed for me–and then He reminded me of Job, and the great mysteries that are just too high for us here. You are so right, that Heaven is where our hope is. I am so thankful that He listens to our every cry and does not shame us like the world does! He just invites me up onto His lap, and loves me there. You are in my prayers tonight!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Ryan I feel your sadness and frustration. I have a different but sometimes very difficult health issue that is currently making me feel quite discouraged as there is not much help other than hysterectomy and I don’t have time or help to recovery from such surgery . But I wanted to ask , are you allergic to beef ? What about coconut products ? Oils? Avocado ? Pecans? Mct oil ? Those are good calorie sources. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Food allergies are awful and I can only imagine the pain you’ve been through . My gluten sensitivity is bad but not like yours . Hang in there and if possible try some of those foods.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sister. I cannot have coconut or nuts anymore, but I can have avocado. Avocados are great, very high in vitamin C! I also eat broccoli and blueberries and I eat bacon sometimes. I can’t eat beef because it causes inflammation. Something about too much Omega 6 in beef. I eat free range grass fed bison instead. I can eat chicken as long as they are not fed soy. I eat Coleman chicken from Golden, Colorado because they just eat bugs. I also love Rosie’s chicken from California, but they don’t sell that here. I will be praying for you as well. Thank you for your support and encouragement! God bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for your raw honesty, Ryan. I want to encourage you but I have no worthy words at this moment. I am praying for you to receive healing, comfort, and a fresh wave of peace and grace from Abba. I do know He is not laughing, this is not a joke to Him. May joy come in the morning for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You are a blessing to others. I hope you stick with your blog because of this and because I hope you receive a blessing too. Sorry for everything you are going through. I pray that God gives you strength now and the ability to overcome this in the future. Thank you for being amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hi Ryan. I do not have any answers for you – that is probably a good thing!

    However, we all grieve in different ways. During times of grief, it is often appropriate for us to receive love and care from others, when we don’t quite have the strength within ourselves.

    Whether you continue blogging or not is up to you. However, I would encourage you to move in the direction where others can care and love on you as you experience (and re-experience) the stages of grief. If you choose to stay on WordPress, then – as you feel so led – read the posts of bloggers that encourage your heart, calm your mind, and soothe your soul. You don’t need to post anything, if doing so causes you greater difficulty.

    Or you could walk away, and that is certainly your prerogative. In doing so, you leave behind a community of caring individuals who will continue to keep you in prayer, whether you participate in social media or not. I think I speak for others here when I say that none of us wants you to experience blogging as a burden, Ryan.

    Rest if you can, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hey Ryan. My heart was crying with you in reading your trials. Have you heard of Acedia. Wikipedia describes it as a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one’s position or condition in the world. It can lead to a state of being unable to perform one’s duties in life. Its spiritual overtones make it related to but arguably distinct from depression. Acedia was originally noted as a problem among monks and other ascetics who maintained a solitary life.

    I only mention this because of the part of your blog that describes the sameness of the food you eat….day…after day….after day. It would drive me crazy. We all need variety. It’s what keeps us dying from boredom. I can only imagine how you feel. I tried the carnivore diet, eating only steak. I lasted three days because my body rebelled so much, and so I gave it up. Having to follow the same diet day after day for three years. Yuck…… and suffering on top of all this.

    Stay strong in your mind and spirit Ryan. You are always in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sir. I’ve never heard of that, but I have struggled with depression at times during my 7 years of suffering this disease. Thank you for your prayers. I know the Lord will take care of me. I am praying to be at peace and rest in His grace. God bless you.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Hey, Brother. I am very sorry for all that you are have to go through. I wish that I could wave a magic wand, and make all of the horrible things go away, that are causing you so much discomfort and pain. I enjoy your blog. The articles that you post are always very good. I encourage you to continue with your blog; you write from a perspective that is missing from many articles that I read. I always am blessed by the likes that you give to my posts. My prayers will stay with you.

    Liked by 1 person

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