Today is January 6, 2019. It has been 7 years since I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease on 1-6-2012. On that day I weighed 128 pounds and I was dying from a damaged small intestine. Starving to death is what the doctor actually told me. I spent years vomiting and having diarrhea. My small intestine never fully healed and I still can’t gain a healthy weight. I am cold all the time because I don’t have any fat on me. I suffer in some way every day and I really don’t know what to say anymore. I have been sitting here staring at the blank page all morning and all I could think of was Hezekiah. I wish I had some kind of encouraging word for you, but I don’t. I am not encouraged. I am broken and I am sick of this disease and I am sick of living with it. The prime of my life was taken from me. All the food I love is gone now. I can no longer eat it. I am still very angry about that and in recent months I have grown hopeless and weary. I don’t know why this happened to me and I don’t care anymore. I just want to be healed, but He won’t heal me. He has all the power in the world to heal me and make it right, but He doesn’t. Why? I don’t know. I just have to trust that His grace is sufficient.
What would you do if you were diagnosed with a disease that left you completely broken and hating life? What would you do if every good food you grew up loving was taken from you and instead you were given a highly restricted diet of gluten free food and just to add injury to insult dairy and eggs and everything else were taken from you too? Would you have a big fat phony smile on your face and act like everything is okay or would you be real about it?
I just about walked away from this blog and from Twitter and from everything last week. I have prayed all I can pray. I have asked for help, I have cried out, and I have been on my knees more times than I can count. I am still suffering. I was even nauseous and dizzy yesterday for seemingly no reason! It’s just Celiac. This is my life now. I thought after all this time, I would be better, but 7 years later and I am still fighting this disease and I don’t want to fight anymore. I hate my life with Celiac. I despise it and you would too.
So yeah, pray for me. My heart is broken, my body is broken, and I am so sick of it all I could just die. What do you think about that? Do you want to judge me? You want to give me some verses to read like I don’t already know the verses? Go ahead. Point your finger, judge, look down on me, I really don’t care. Let Him do whatever it is He is going to do. He is God and I am not and I never asked to be here!
365 days times 7 years is 2,555 days. That is how many days I have suffered since being diagnosed with this sickening disease that has ruined my life. That is how many days I have cried out to God for healing and blessing. Have I been patient enough yet? Have I suffered enough yet? I know people who have suffered longer and worse than me. What about them? Can we go home yet? I am not enjoying my time here on this sick sinful earth and I want to go home and I don’t care who understands or who doesn’t. This post is for me. This is my life not yours. I don’t care who judges me. It is my messed up life that I have to suffer not yours.
I’m hungry and I just want to be able to eat again like everybody else. Is that too much to ask?! Guess so. I told you all from the start I was going to be honest. I don’t want to live this suffering anymore. I’m tired. Do you know how sick and tired of brown rice noodles I am? Try eating that every single day for lunch for 2,555 consecutive days and you tell me how you feel? Stop eating everything you love. Stop drinking coffee, stop going out to all the great restaurants you love and just stay home and eat the same thing every single day for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for 7 straight years and you tell me how you feel? You tell me if you still have hope. Most of you couldn’t even give up coffee, let alone all the food you love. You have no idea what this disease is like. You don’t know the pain from the weakness in my muscles and bones from only weighing in the 130s standing 6 foot 1 inch tall. It’s not a good feeling. It makes me angry and I hate it.
I am losing hope rapidly. I have prayed all I can pray and His answer is a big fat NO. I feel abandoned and left behind. I feel hated. I don’t feel loved. I pray every day for healing and blessing, but it’s like He is deaf as He just sits there. I feel like He is laughing at me and He enjoys my suffering. That’s what I feel like.
Yes, I am a believer in Jesus and I know He loves me, but I am still suffering and I just don’t understand anymore. I just want to go get a big burger and fries and eat!!! Do you understand that?!! I want a chocolate shake! I’m hungry and I have a disease that makes my body waste away! I eat waffles and bananas for breakfast, brown rice noodles and black olives for lunch, and I have bison and a baked potato for dinner…every…single…day! Sometimes we mix it up and have chicken or fish and that’s it. That’s as exciting as my food gets. Think about it! Your whole family and culture revolves around food! I can’t even have barbecue sauce, caffeine, or chocolate anymore! Going out to eat was a very special thing to me and now I can never go out to eat again. No more Mexican food with cheese and green chili. No more cheeseburgers or pizza. No more salsa, no more amazing flavors. Just the same food every single day and I’m supposed to be happy about that? Okay, sure.
Keep your head up Ryan. Keep going Ryan. Don’t give up Ryan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard it all before. Hey healthy people, what are you having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today? Something different? A new restaurant? New flavors? New textures? Maybe your favorite? You know what I get? The same exact thing I ate the last 2,555 days, and I’m just supposed to be so thankful for that. I can’t eat chips, I can’t go out to eat, I can’t have new textures and flavors. I can’t enjoy a hot cup of coffee on a cold morning. I can’t have chocolate anymore, I can’t have eggs and cheese, I can’t have anything I grew up on! It is a very cruel disease. My Mom used to make a great barbecue beef. I will never be able to eat it again. I can’t enjoy family gatherings anymore. I have to bring my own food and eat separate from everybody else because if I get contaminated with wheat or oats, I could die. Oats caused me to go into anaphylactic shock on 4-28-2012!
I can’t even eat most of the boxed or bagged gluten free foods because they are always made in a facility that uses wheat or dairy or oats or soy or some other thing I can’t have. Hey food industry people, it’s not gluten free if it’s made in the same facility with wheat! Get a clue and quit acting so stupid and ignorant! If I ingest even a small crumb of those things or my food is made on the same line with those foods, then I get incredibly sick and I could die! Yes, I have to read every single ingredient on the label and it also has to say “Certified Gluten Free” and be made in a dedicated gluten free facility that also doesn’t use eggs or dairy. Get it? Do you know how hard that is to find? It doesn’t exist most of the time because the food industry caters to you, not to people like me.
People still mock and make fun of people who have to eat gluten free. Do you want to mock me? Do you want to make fun of me? I even hear Christians make their ignorant mocking jokes about gluten free on Twitter. Do you want to do that to me too? Bunch of arrogant people with no compassion. If I hear anybody else making fun of people who have to eat gluten free, I am going to rebuke you to your arrogant face in front of everybody. Do you understand that?! I have to live this way for the rest of my life! Show some compassion! Quit making fun of people who suffer! You sound like an idiotic fool!
I am broke, I am in debt, I have a chronic illness auto-immune disorder and I am 40 years old, but I’m supposed to sit here and be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer! Right! Is 2,555 days (plus the 10 years I suffered leading up to diagnosis) enough suffering? For 10 years I suffered while doctors misdiagnosed me and told me it was stress! I even had a doctor prescribe motion sickness pills once! Can you believe the idiocy of our American doctors?!!! Is having my life ripped away from me in the prime of my early 30s enough? Have I been joyful, patient, and faithful enough? Pfft, who knows! Only God knows that, right? If you are some name it and claim it preacher, I don’t want to hear your lies either. Keep that false preaching to yourself! God has a will and His will will be done no matter what. We can pray and ask for healing. Doesn’t mean you are going to get it phony name it and claim it preachers!
I am going to spend time praying about whether I should shut this blog down or not. I really don’t have anything else to say. Have a great day eating all the foods you love. I truly hope you are thankful for your health and you never take it for granted. Go out to eat today and before you sit down to that amazing meal, truly give thanks to God for allowing you to stuff your mouth with it. Don’t ever take those flavors and textures for granted. I pray to God none of you ever have to suffer what I’ve suffered. I am a prisoner in a prison that only God can release me from.
Oh boy, look at the time. It’s lunch time here in Denver. Yippee! I get to eat brown rice noodles, mmmm so good. You know what I want? I want a big Philly cheese steak sandwich with steak fries, but you guessed it, I can’t have it. No, I can’t even eat the fries restaurants make because of the oil they use and most of the time they add wheat to their recipe! You don’t know about that because you’ve never had to research it! Instead I am forced to eat brown rice noodles with a vegetable based butter since I can’t have dairy. I weigh 133 pounds when I should weigh 160. I hate this diseased life and I want to go home now. You can all pretend to be happy if you want. I’m not going to be fake. Have a great day eating all the food you love. You have no idea how blessed you are. You have no idea how loved and blessed you are as you get to eat whatever you want without a second thought.
Just remember, there is nothing fair about life on earth. It sucks down here and you know it. I never asked to be here in the first place and I sure didn’t ask to be diagnosed with a disease that ruins lives. I feel so bad for all the parents with kids suffering cancer over at Children’s Hospital today. I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know why God allows that and I can’t answer your questions. I believe in Jesus because my family lived in a house with a demon when I was in high school. If that had never happened, I probably would have never believed. I don’t understand it all and I’m sick and tired of trying to. I just want it to end.
Yes, Jesus will save your soul if you believe in Him. That doesn’t mean you won’t suffer. This earth is nothing but suffering and we all just have to deal with it and there is nothing fair about that. I truly hope those who don’t know Jesus find Him before they die. Don’t spend your whole life suffering this sinful earth and then spend eternity suffering without Him. Please choose Heaven. That is our only hope. There is no hope on this earth without Jesus!
Grace and peace
*Side note (written 4 days after this post on 1-10-19)
If you are new to my blog and this is the first post of mine you have ever read, please know I love the Lord with all of my heart. My blog reads like an open diary at times where I am brutally honest regarding my faith and my relationship with the Lord. On this particular day I was fed up and feeling angry regarding my Celiac Disease. It was not a happy anniversary.
My main purpose for this blog is to preach the Gospel and help people come to know Jesus. I am not perfect. I am a sinner saved by grace. Please read my post titled “Rough Around The Edges.” I wrote it on 1-8-19 two days after this post to help people understand how I write and why I wrote this 7 year anniversary post the way I did. Thank you for checking out my blog! I invite you to check the “About Me” page and the “My Beliefs” page and check out some of my other posts. I’m glad you’re here! If you need prayer or would like to contact me with questions or comments, I would love to hear from you! You can reach me directly and privately through my blog “Contact” page.
God bless you!